In our dualistic society of good vs. evil, Democrat vs. Republican, Liberal vs. Conservative, etc. everyone is expected to be either pro-life (anti-abortion) or pro-choice (pro-abortion). What’s ironic is that pro-lifers tend to also favor capital punishment (a.k.a. the death penalty) while pro-choicers tend to be against it. I prefer to take a Third Side approach to the matter by calling myself pro-death. Not only do I support abortion and capital punishment, but other means of population control as well; such as euthanasia, suicide, eugenics, sodomy, and widespread death as a result of natural disasters (though that hardly requires my approval).

Let’s face it, there’s too many damn people on this planet (approximately 6.8 billion at the time of writing this) and I think we should take advantage of every possible opportunity to reduce the population. If a woman decides she doesn’t want to bring a new life into this world, abort it. If a person only exists to break the laws of society and violate the rights of others, let ‘em fry. If a person is terminally ill and in horrible pain, put them out of their misery. If a person is completely miserable and sees no point in living, let them kill themselves. If two people are stupid and ugly or already have plenty of children, prevent them from breeding (fuck you, Michelle Duggar). If two people want to have anal and oral intercourse, let them (because mouths and asses can’t get pregnant). If a hurricane or earthquake devastates a nation, let it be done and don’t bug me about donating money.

People such as Dr. LaVey always said that if more people used birth control, possibly by government mandate, abortion wouldn’t be necessary. While this seems logical I think abortion should always be considered as a Plan B. Other people who could be considered pro-life always say that mothers of unwanted children should go through the horrible pain of child birth and then donate the baby to a foster home or adoption agency. Not only does that suck for the mother whose vagina has been ripped apart, but also to the child who will go through life with a crippled sense of identity and the burden of not knowing who their real parents are or where they came from, and that’s if they become adopted by a stable family. Otherwise they are forced to grow up in the foster care system, which is rarely a positive experience for any child. In other words the child may be better off dead.

You may have heard similar views expressed by a flamboyant group called The Church of Euthanasia. I’ve always appreciated their infamous slogan “Save the planet, kill yourself”, although it begs the question why they haven’t taken their own advice. For the most part they just exist to make fun of pro-lifers, which is always fun.

I’m looking forward to the day when scientists discover a way for people to live on the Moon, or Mars, which would be a highly effective solution to the population crisis here on Earth. Unfortunately I doubt this will happen in my lifetime, which leaves me and other nihilistic misanthropes to write mean essays such as this. Sometimes I even find myself dreaming of being abducted by aliens and being taken to my home planet, wherever that may be. I’ve often felt like an alien trapped on Earth, trying to observe from the outside but forced to exist among the herd. I’m not sure if I’m elite, but I’m certainly incompatible; but I digress.

You may be wondering, “so what do you do to contribute to the solution?” The answer is simple: I’m a fag. My total lack of interest in women ensures that I will never procreate. One might suggest that I could also vote for politicians who are pro-choice and pro-capital punishment, but everyone should know how I feel about politics by now. Plus, I have yet to meet a single pro-choicer who favors capital punishment. It’s sort of become an oxymoron, unfortunately.

In summation: We can no longer afford to be pro-life, for continuing to do so would inevitably lead to an apocalypse. This may seem appealing at first but it would include the death of me, all the other meaningful people (even though they only make up a tiny fraction of the population) and non-human animals in this world. The human zoo in which we live is over-crowded and should be closed for business indefinitely, or at least until we finish removing all of the shit from the bottom of the cages.